Gotta Love Idiocy Before the Morning Cig

What better way to wake up than to have your blood pressure skyrocket because you look up something else and end up with something extremely idiotic smacking you in the face? Personally, I can dream of nothing better, except a lot of things, but the world usually says ‘good morning’ in a kind of strangled, contorted, slurred way that is definitely less of ‘good morning’ and more of a ‘check out this dumb bullshit’, so getting used to never getting the other alternatives becomes standard fare eventually. That is, if you dare look up anything in the world, ever. Nothing says I’m back like wasting 100 words without getting to the point, so here’s a picture:

This is before I clicked through, because I decided eating food was better than raised blood pressure and chainsmoking on an empty stomach. I haven’t had food, so I might have some glaring flaws in writing that could have been noticed had I done so, but I have clicked through and it’s not the disaster I expected so their clickbait title worked well enough. There are still some glaring problems here I’d like to address:

Skies were most likely smoky through much of the summer and fall, and most forests in California burned every five to 25 years from wildfires caused by lightning or Native American burning practices, he said.

Most forests burning every five to twenty-five years (bad editing on NYT staff’s part there; you don’t shorten numbers down to numerals unless they are three or more words in length, and if you change one, you change them all–wtf is this ‘five to 25’ nonsense? Commit, NYT, commit!) is not most of them burning every year, which we see with more and more frequency, and I can’t tell you the last time California didn’t go up in flames from the spring season into, err, well, the very edge of autumn into winter is a new one. California, from what I understand, has been on fire since March 2018, and is less than 1 month short of the official start of winter. No, that is what is striking here, to me. It seems unimportant to NYT’s handy professionals to point this out though, or has more shitty editing on the part of NYT. Place your bets because you’ll probably win either way.

Forests that were once periodically cleared by less intense wildfires are now covered by “thick carpets of forest fuels,”

Hey look, more shitty editing. ‘Forest fuel’ would be forest growth, no? They mean forest fire fuel. Shit that likes to burn, burn, burn! Not shit that fuels the forest.

In the past two decades, California has begun to see the consequences. Wildfires are now burning much larger swaths of California each year.

Crickey, mate, it’s almost as if maybe there’s a bunch of factors, but once we’ve gone full protect the forest, just letting all of California burn probably isn’t the answer considering people were burning ali–actually, sure, whatever, let it burn, let the whole fucker burn. We’ll sing Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire while Silicon Valley goes down, down, down, and the flames go higher! It’ll be the biggest motherfuckin bonfire of humankind, a true testament to human’s capability of wielding fire. The last clap before we wipe ourselves out through our idiocy. Maybe this time people will hear evacuation notices and actually get the hell out of there before the way through is, err, driving through it, rather than ditching the roads, but road dependency is a different topic and there’s a Tumblr image floating around somewhere talking about that subject in detail. Humans are little ants, and it’s clear people just could not figure out anything but ‘drive through the flames’. Absolutely bizarre. I’m not really making fun of the unfortunate people caught up in the shit, but if every news site can do their political commentary during tragedies, then so can anyone else. Tasteless? Yes. But it really does show a kind of state of being we’re stuck in, where the only option people can think of is drive through a fuckload of fire! rather than, I don’t know, figuring out something else, or leaving when they had advance notice. Technology saying ‘hey, your house will prolly be on fire in a week’ only saves you if you realise hey, your house is gonna be on fire in a week! and you get the hell out of there. At that point, I cannot fathom a worse way to die than dying in a rage-inducing traffic jam while on fire. Burning alive is already one of the worst ways to die, but holy shit it’s only made worse being in a goddamn traffic jam. And if there was a way somewhere towards the ocean without roads, but passable on foot, well, may the sun fuckin save Californians.

Forests across California have also grown much denser over the past 70 years, partly due to less frequent fires, but also because large, old trees have been harvested by loggers.

So the problem isn’t not letting them burn, it’s industry. I mean, no shit, but this took an incredible amount of space to get to.

Decreasing the amount of fuel available to wildfires requires a combination of practices that remove vegetation, like prescribed fires and the selective removal of smaller trees and mulching.

It’s a little late for this kind of preemptive measure. They can’t even manage a breakout at random now. What is a ‘controlled fire’ when a breakout throws the whole state into chaotic fires for 8 months?

It also increases the odds of deadly wildfires starting because of the proximity of buildings and flammable vegetation to ignition sources like sparking power lines, cigarettes and campfires.

Maybe California has bigger problems, like a lack of underground power line system and their idiotic residents throwing cigarettes around in a goddamn megadrought. I don’t think the forest is the problem here, NYT. Also, I am over halfway through the article and the only mention of mass animal death is here, right before that line:

The presence of people in these areas makes it difficult to conduct prescribed burns.

And by mass animal death I mean oh no the poor humans and their housing oh nooo!

Many wildfires in the past decade have occured in and near the areas where forest meets human development.

That’s because Smokey the Bear does his job and shits in the woods, he doesn’t spark fires everywhere. As an aside, it’s occurred, NYT, two r‘s, not one.

Almost 40 percent is owned by private landowners, most of whom own small tracts of land, lack the expertise to conduct prescribed burns and are reluctant to be held liable if the fire gets out of control.

Well, I would be too, if the lawbooks say your ass is in prison for setting the trees on fire. Who is going to admit to setting a fire to be put out early, when you could just run for the hills and nervously say it was a stray power line snapping? It’s not like they’re gonna know, everything is fuckin gone, including the evidence of your cigarette tossed off the balcony during midnight ‘no one will see us fucking’ hour.

But recovery is not just about donating to relief efforts and rebuilding burned homes. It’s also about creating a new culture for forest and fire management in the state, one that respects the role that carefully planned fires play in preventing disasters.

Common sense would say to stop building houses in a highly flammable area, but nah. And ‘carefully planned fires’ is just more human shit. Burn the forests, burn the animals, but thank god the mansions survive. Even the rich don’t like people, that’s why they move to the fucking forest, but common sense eludes the wealthy.

“If California can begin to change, that will be a huge example for the rest of the country, certainly throughout the West,” Dr. Pyne said.

Good luck when a stray cigarette burns half the forests down in 2019, brodewski.

I’m gonna finish that there but here’s a fun additional bonus:

Hoerling noted that some computer models […] show that California could actually see more, not less, winter rain and snow because of climate change.

Gasp, all hail the computer models. God bless California winter, the true victor to save us from the forest fires. Just you wait, this will 100% totally be proven right, eventually. Probably sometime after we wipe ourselves out with our silly fuel-burning cars and general other destructive behaviours.

“Megadroughts are a threat to civilization,”

W-wait. Move over, sun, I’m gonna start praising the megadroughts. Megadrought bless us, civilisation is gonna be taken down by forest fires and no water. May the megadrought bless us all.

As an aside, deforestation causes a lot of these kinds of problems with dry climates. Forests tend not to coexist with aggravatingly dry conditions, and, well, I’m willing to bet some dumb humans at some point in human history or pre-history caused this climate shift as well. I’d do the research, but I’m starving and would like to do better shit with my day than find out how California appeared around 2000 years ago. I’ll edit if I dig around at some point, but don’t hold your breath. A long hiatus and I come back to silly shit like this… I’m already regretting my decision.


In other news, I read No Logo by Naomi Klein and I’m reading Biocentrism by Robert Lanza and Bob Berman. I’ll say it right now: Biocentrism is way beyond my league, I never took physics and I don’t know shit about quantum physics, but it’s an interesting concept. I can’t be sold on it because I know nothing, but it sure is interesting. Most people have probably read No Logo and I have few comments. The best parts are less the ‘solution’ parts, because Klein’s solutions are demsoc-tier garbage, but the parts describing how the beast of branding operates are all pretty fascinating. A lot of shit I already knew, but some of the quotes in there are golden quotes from the industry, like the comment that ‘consumers are like cockroaches’ that require newer configurations of Raid insect killer to achieve effectiveness again (ie, new ways of advertising/branding/whatever). Always a blast to add nasty quotes to my notebook list of nasty quotes. I’m also reading The Dome in the Forest by Paul O. Williams, a science fiction novel that is pretty antagonistic to more modern ideas, especially thinly-veiled eugenics and mass nuclear destruction for the sake of rebuilding humanity. It’s kinda the utopian ideas that were floating around in the 1960s/1970s–the book was published in 1981–and he’s just shitting all over them. The ‘primitive’ characters are pretty charming, especially Tor the axeman. 10/10 pickup from the free book bin down the road.

2 Responses to “Gotta Love Idiocy Before the Morning Cig”

  1. Lu Says:

    Hey Kumo, I need to talk to you ASAP

  2. uvb76 Says:

    shit my bad. hope you’re okay.

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